Meh..

my remedy for heartbreak -one night of soccer -four pints of laughter with close friends -an unexpected phone call from a former crush -'still loving you' on loop -exercising until i vomit yesterday's kway teow

i was rummaging thru my uncle's room in my granma's place, and found a sweet, handwritten letter.

16/09/2004
Baby;
I had a really bad day today... I'm just feeling lost and sad.. I've done so many terrible things the whole of this year.. I know i've hurt you very very much.. I'm really sorry for watever i've done to hurt you.. Suddenly, i feel like i've never done my part to be a good fiancee.. I really wished i could turn back the clock and start all over again... I miss you so damn much!! I really do!! I miss those times where we could just go out, watch movies, gigs, chill out, holding hands and just be happy... Hmmm Those were the days! I'm feeling really empty, not dat you dun care, I know but i guess it's the situation and my doings dat caused me to feel this way.. I feel like i'm losing you sooner or later.. Even if it does happen, i dun blame you, not a single bit... You've been super understanding and patient with me thru out the whole year... I was so evil dat i didnt realised how you managed to pull thru those rough times...... You have been really strong.... I wonder if it's the age gap or it's just me being chldish? I figured, I have not enjoyed myself enough during my teenage years... Watever, dat has happened made me feel good at dat time, like i could do watever i want but it has turned out all wrong at the end of the day... I became blinded by all the materialistic things in the world. I became selfish and was unfaithful which has never been a part of me... I was never like this.. I dunno wat the hell is wrong wif me? Babe, wat can i do to make things better? I really feel useless right now... I feel so lost!!! I want things to work between us..I wan the old 'SOPHIE' and the old 'ESAM'!! I wanna get married, have kids and be happy with you.. Really do but i guess, it wont happen just as yet... Financially, i know it'sa really big stress for you... Alll the debts and you can't keep yer promises to yer mom, makes me feel even shitty!! i never intend to do this to you.. Honestly! But greed has overcomed me... Money, nice and expensive things blinded me eyes, the people i mix with, the heavy clubbing nights, i didnt realise till now.. I know you've been working yer ass off and here i am havin fun and spending like nobody's business. I regret and feel fucked up for hurting you like this... I can't even help you now? I'm really useless baby... If ever you were to fall in love with someone new, i'll never blame you coz i think you deserve better... You really do.. Not dat its so easy for me to let you go but sometimes when you're in love, you've gotta sacrifice a bit... You've done so much for me and my family but wat have i done? NOthing but trouble, problems and stress! Dat's all!! I really dun feel like living anymore... so, if ever someone newcomes into yer life, i hope she'll be able to understand and take good care of you.. I'm just not suitable dear.. My life's so screwed up!! I'm such a horrible person... I'm really sad right now, i'm sorry if i've hurt you in anyway. I hope you'll forgive me... It's really how i feel form the bottom of my heart. I guess, i can never get the same os myself and the same old Esam no more... situation has gotten from bad to worse and i feel really bad for not being able to help you in anyway now... Been thinking alot today and i really hope thing swill turn out fine for you really soon... Get someone who can care for you babe... Honestly, it's my fault dat you became like this and i'll take it all in.. I'm sorry once again and i hope you'll consider watever i've said.. As for me, i'll just try to look for a job and hopefully be a better person.... I really regret the whole thing and i wish god could help me find my self and give me strength to carry on with my life... I'll talk to my mom about it too...
Goodnight my love......
I miss you!! A lot......


Lots of love,

Sophie

12.45am


Sophie and Esam went their separate ways after FOUR hari rayas together. Sophie's existence is questionable. Esam is in Canada representing Singapore in a snow sculpting competition.

it was a bad idea to keep my feelings inside.
now i look back in the past and realised how shitty i've been treated.
how my presence was always neglected.
you always put me down.
your comments were sharp and direct.
i was hurt.
but i understand.
because you never really get over someone.
the pain might go away.
the heartbreak might heal.
but you never truly get over someone.
there's always going to be a part of you inside saying 'But what if?'

happy birthday tiara =)

hunky guy in a green singlet with the words 'Dragon Boat' across his back walks pass them, they go 'OMG he is SOOOOOOOOO HOT!!!!' familiar scenario? i'm sure it is.. yes we see them everywhere, girls (read: JC GIRLS) going gaga over good-lucking guys (read: DRAGON BOATERS), and they're arent afraid to make their admiration public, espcially when they are among the company of their friends. some even go as far as to stalk them. yes, STALK. some even type it out in their blog. they write about how her heart melts when she sees him. the awkward moments (if they are even any moments) they share. these guys are commonly labelled as 'EYECANDY', amongst other names. how do i know all these? my girlfriend is the said typical JC girl.

when we first started dating, she'd go gaga over any hot guy she sees in public (read: mouth open wide, looks at kamal and says, 'OMG he is SOOOOOOOOO HOT!!!'), to which kamal would either roll his eyes, or ignore her. it grew to the point when it became a tad too annoying. her MR-EYECANDY was a certain mr hariz. dragon boater. probably fell foir his biceps or six pack or sumthing. but i knew i could do nothing. if i ask her to shut her trap, she'd call me jealous, then i'd go 'why the fuck would i be jealous?!', to which she'll go 'i dunno, coz he's better-looking than you?', to which i'll go 'at least i dont yap about my ex whenever i'm around you'.. ok that's another story altogether.. back to topic shall we? =) ok, it grew really depressing, she was complimenting other guys but not me. and dont even start with the i-like-them-but-i-LOVE-you thing. it's too mat N minah-ish. i swear if i heard another 'OMG he is SOOOOOOOOO HOT!!' i would cram that little girl's head up that guy's ass. then again, maybe not. it's all about tolerance. then again, it made me feel useless, neglected, and (insert watever depressing word you can conjure up here). make no mistake though, i love her with all my heart, but it makes it easier to love if she kicks that habit. i'm thankful i dont have to endure another 'OMG he is SOOOOOOOO HOT ' from her again.

sometimes i wish i was a little bit richer, so i would've have to starve because i'm saving up for a birthday present.
sometimes i wish i wasnt severly myopic, so i wouldnt' fumble with my glasses everyday.
sometimes i wish i was a little taller, so that i can kiss my girlfriend's forehead without tip-toeing
sometimes i wish i was a little fairer, so that lime green and orange burst wouldnt look wierd on me.
sometimes i wish i was a little more hardworking, so that i wouldnt have to burn the midnight oil on the eve of the exam.
sometimes i wish i could have you all over again.
but i know that just like everything above, it's impossible